Toxic Positivity
Last night my theater class of middle and high school students discussed emotions and not letting our actions be determined by our emotions. It’s a topic I love to talk about because we all have a tendency to be led by our feelings instead of what we know is true. It’s a difficult thing to change if we are people with strong emotions.
We did an activity where a few students would act out conflicting emotions and the audience had to describe how they felt. I noticed 2 things.
It was hard for them to tell me how they felt, but easy for them to judge the emotions of every single person they were watching.
Teens are very submerged in the world around them and that world has distorted so much of the Word that they can’t tell the difference.
A phrase came up during class that I had not heard (maybe I’m old, or maybe I just don’t notice these things), “toxic positivity.”
I immediately felt those conflicting emotions. Toxic and positivity just don’t work together. The student explained, “toxic positivity is a really big problem in society. It's where a person tries to force positivity on someone who is upset or angry and it doesn’t help, it just makes them angrier. So, in this scene I felt like the happy person who was talking to the angry person and trying to make her happy was doing the wrong thing.”
WOW.
Ok, my brain says this sounds right, but my spirit says there is something not quite accurate here.
Definitions you may want to know…
Toxic: poisonous, very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.
Pervasive: (especially of an unwelcome influence or physical effect) spreading widely throughout an area or group of people.
Insidious: proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.
Positivity: the practice of being, or tendency to be, positive or optimistic in attitude.
Toxic positivity: dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with FALSE reassurances rather than empathy.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Let’s sort some of this out and see what the Bible says about it.
I still can’t put toxic and positive together, but for the sake of this post let's use the definition I found when I googled it (if it's on the internet it must be real, right?).
Dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with a FALSE reassurance rather than empathy.
I took it upon myself to type false in all caps because as a believer our reassurance should always be founded in TRUTH, so we’re looking for TRUE reassurance. I suppose we need to ask ourselves if what we are saying to the hurting person is TRUE or FALSE and that will tell you if you are spewing out toxic positivity.
That’s it, you’re welcome, you can all go home now, see ya later….
NO?
Not enough info?
Ok, fine…
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” - Philippians 4:8
We will come back to this later.
What about empathy?
Does the bible tell us to be empathetic towards others feelings and situations? I would say yes…
“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” - Romans 12:15
“If some have cause to celebrate, join in the celebration. And if others are weeping join in that as well. Work toward unity, and live in harmony with one another. Avoid thinking you are better than others or wiser than the rest; instead, embrace common people and ordinary tasks.” - Romans 12: 15-16, The Voice Translation
“Share each other’s burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.” - Galatians 6: 2-3
I really love the way The Voice translation puts Galatians 6: 1-3: “My spiritual brothers and sisters, if one of our faithful has fallen into a trap and is snared by sin, don’t stand idle and watch his demise. Gently restore him, being careful not to step into your own snare. Shoulder each other’s burdens, and then you will live as the law of the anointed teaches us. Don’t take this opportunity to think you are better than those who slip because you aren’t; then you become the fool and deceive even yourself.”
I think this describes empathy pretty well. However, it's not only about crying when someone is sad or helping someone. If you read more of these passages, you will see that there are many lessons being taught such as how to be a loving community, warning about being consumed by another person’s sins to the point of following suit, and not thinking too highly of yourself to the point of believing you are without fault.
I think it's interesting to note that both passages that talk about empathy also caution you not to think better of yourself.
Why do you think that is?
It could be that if you are being empathetic, you risk comparing your situations with theirs and consequently begin to place yourself in a better light.
Shouldering another’s burdens is also a part of empathy, but could mean other things as well. Maybe it means to help someone in a time of need, maybe it means to take on a task or a job that can take some of the burden off of the person, or maybe it means to sit and cry with someone. I think the situation determines the action. We have these and other scriptures about empathy, and even more about compassion.
But let’s not get lost in this, moving on.
Pervasive. I want to highlight the word unwelcome in this definition. As a believer, should hope, peace, joy, happiness be welcome or unwelcome?
We could go into the whole thing about us having a decision to be happy or not, or we can talk about how we are humans and have emotions. We could even go into Ecclesiastes and see how there is a time for everything under heaven.
But we aren’t going to go there. That’s for another day.
Right now, it’s a matter of us as believers desiring joy, peace, happiness, hope. Anyone else ever get angry and just want to be angry? No? Just me? Well, I’ll raise my hand.
I will get upset and just sit in pity, anger, and bitterness for a bit. I’ll seek out people who will be angry with me, and justify my anger. After all, I have every right to be angry.
Except, that is completely a spirit of rebellion. The Word says rebellion is as bad as the sin of witchcraft or fortune-telling.
“For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.” - 1 Samuel 15:23a
I ask again, do we desire and welcome joy, hope, happiness, and peace or do we sit with our rebellion and become bitter?
If toxic positivity is an unwelcome and unpleasant positivity that slowly spreads through the heart and soul of the negative person then I have to respond that the problem is not with the one spreading positivity but with the one encountering it.
We do however need to be careful with how we bring positivity to anyone. Just as with correction we need to be compassionate and gentle.
“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” - Colossians 4:5-6
When someone is hurting, we need to be in prayer about how to approach them. Then we go to them speaking graciously and with wisdom.
“A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. A gentle tongue is a tree of life but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” - Proverbs 15:1,4
Be gentle.
I can’t explain it any better than the Word. I can’t expand on this one very important thing that makes all the difference in us against the world. If we are not gentle with our words then we are doing the very thing the world expects of believers.
“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” - Proverbs 16:24
“The fruit of the Spirit against which there is no law.” - Galatians 5:22-23
“Be humble. Be gentle. Be patient. Tolerate one another in an atmosphere thick with love.” - Ephesians 4:2
So, to wrap this up, I want to say that in the heart of a believer there is no room for toxic positivity. There is only room for love, gentleness, kindness, peace, joy, patience, and self-control. There is only room for true, virtuous, honorable, right, pure, lovely, good, and praiseworthy thoughts.
Don’t let anyone tell you that being hopeful, and speaking truth in love and gentleness is toxic. This is what we are called to do.
Always be ready to offer a defense, humbly and respectfully, when someone asks why you live in hope. Keep your conscience clear so that those who ridicule your good conduct in the anointed and say bad things about you will be put to shame.
Don’t let them frighten you. Don’t be intimidated, but exalt Him as Lord in your heart.
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